During my 4 years of high school and my 4 years of college, I can recall a dozen or so girls that I wanted badly. For whatever reason, these girls stood out to me and were a cut above the rest. These girls had it all. They were sexy but classy. They were funny, intelligent and had good taste in music beyond just what you hear on the radio. They were sociable but you didn’t find them in the bar every single weekend. They had some X factor that I never could explain. I didn’t just want to hook up with these girls. I wanted to date them. I wanted to treat them special and make them feel like a desired lady. From time to time, I would meet a girl that I just became totally infatuated with. Out of these 12 or so girls, guess how many of them I got.
And the reason is simple: I cared too much.
It’s clear to me now, but as a teenager I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. I would like a girl, express my interest in her by being nice and friendly, treat her like a gentleman, and get nowhere.
At that age, nobody I knew was reading about how to improve your success with dating. You’d have to be a loser to do something like that, right? Game was not even on my radar. At that time, I had only my own experiences to learn from.
I was 16 when I had my first serious girlfriend. I showered her with love and affection and we spent every free minute together. I always let her get her way. When I found out she lied to me about being a virgin, I was upset but she was even more upset because I made her remember the fact that she slept with someone she regretted sleeping with. She just wanted to believe that we lost our virginities to each other. So I forgave her and we moved on. Eventually, she got bored with me and started dating someone else and I got to experience what happens when you let your guard down with a girl that you shouldn’t.
At age 17, I had an epiphany. It was summer of 2007 and I was at a week long summer camp up in the mountains. I met a girl, we’ll call her Nellie. I thought Nellie was kind of cute but for some reason she seemed super interested in me. Way more interested than I was. I was sort of indifferent about her. Nellie texted me daily. She always sent the first text and the last text. She was always flirtatious and I would be a little flirtatious back but I never changed my indifference towards her. I thought it was strange she kept investing in me when I gave her so little. Nellie had brought her boyfriend with her to camp and they actually broke up at camp. I suspected I was the reason. She texted me the next day wanting to meet up. I knew what the deal was. I go to her dorm where she was staying and we talk for awhile. All of a sudden her ex-boyfriend shows up at the door. He sees me in the room with her and storms off. She chases after him, calms him down, and comes back to meet me. She has car keys in her hand and tells me to follow her. We bang in a mini-van.
I felt bad for the ex-boyfriend. I knew what he was going through because I had just recently gone through a similar experience. But I knew I had only done what any other guy would have done, including him. The next day it was time to leave camp and go home. Nellie texted me and said she thinks she’s going to work things out with her ex-boyfriend and they’re going to get back together. But she wanted to see me to say goodbye one more time before we have to go home. I agreed but when it came time to actually meet, I just didn’t feel like it. I started ignoring her texts. When our group was loading up ready to go home, I was sitting in our van looking out the window. I saw Nellie walking around looking for me as she texted me. Her ex-boyfriend tagging along by her side. “Where are you?” “I just want to say goodbye.” “Hello?” “….” Another 15 minutes goes by, “You’re a piece of shit.”
I thought about apologizing but I was still indifferent about her. If any girl I was interested in had called me a piece of shit, I would have apologized immensely for whatever my crime may have been. But Nellie was just an annoyance to me now. I texted back, “Whatever”.
Nellie’s next response was a heartfelt apology. She said that she had fun with me and hoped to see me again sometime. I couldn’t believe it. I thought for sure she would continue to yell and curse at me. “What is wrong with this girl?” I thought to myself. Why does she apologize and treat me so well when I clearly don’t give a shit about her?
Our group leader cranked up the van and we drove away while I prayed for the ex-boyfriend’s future.
The picture became a little clearer to me that day. It still took a few more years to fully understand, but I was getting closer to the realization that the less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Instilling desire + being indifferent is a formula for getting girls to bend over backwards for you. This scenario has played out and repeated itself in my life countless times since then. I still fuck it up from time to time. Even earlier just this year, there was a girl I especially liked, and it showed and leaked out – and that is exactly the reason why I didn’t get her.
When you look back on your interactions with girls, you’ll no doubt notice a trend. How many girls that you put on a pedestal did you actually end up getting? You will be penalized every time that you do this. The more you want a girl, the less likely you are to get her.
Instill desire. Be indifferent.