Sometimes I’ll hear guys say that if they really like a girl, they’ll intentionally take things slow and not think about pursuing sex until a few dates have gone by. They want to pull out all the stops and give her an elaborate date much more romantic and thoughtful than a basic meetup for drinks followed by an attempt to get her into bed.
I can’t fault these guys entirely because I used to be one of them. These guys are gentlemen who listen to the advice of their fathers and grandfathers. They look up to their hard-working and common-sense fathers and they respect their classy and nurturing mothers. Of course their parent’s marriage wasn’t perfect but they had their lives together for the most part. These men trust in the advice that their good parents brought them up to believe. Advice like “Be a gentleman” “Buy her flowers” and “Just be yourself”. Because how could people who’ve achieved a good and stable life possibly lead them astray?
They take heed from a time when courtship was a meaningful and respectful process in which two people got to know each other deeply and intimacy was something that was achieved over time. The aggregate social attitude discouraged fast and easy sex and encouraged relationships where sex was something that only two people who were committed and in love should experience with each other. During this time, if you wanted to have sex, you would meet a nice girl, meet her parents, drive to her house to pick her up, go to the door and ring the doorbell, take her on several nice dates where you get to know each other, commit and go steady, then sleep with her.
Fast forward to now and it’s swipe right, grab drinks, and bang. The old model of gentlemanly courtship is long dead and while I wish for it to come back, playing the game like it’s 1950 will only serve to hurt you now. I want to go line by line and show how the romantic approach is detrimental for a man and why the #1 thing you should always do on a first date is try to sleep with her.
The romantic date sets a frame for the interaction and a frame for her perception of you. You are the man dating and waiting. You are the man orbiting her world trying to make a desperate landing. You have her on a pedestal and she knows it. You are investing more than the other men in her life who are competing for the same goods as you. At first thought, it sounds like this would be a positive thing. You should always try hard for what you want, right? Not when it comes to girls. Remember this mantra in your dealings with the opposite sex, if you try hard; you die hard. By investing more in her than the other men in her life, instead of looking like you’re on top, you look like you’re on the bottom. If you want a girl in your life, don’t over-invest in just her. Invest in yourself and let women be a byproduct of you. Learn what it takes to instill desire in all girls rather than pursuing one particular girl. An extra fancy first date portrays that you have to do something over-the-top to get a girl while other guys can still get girls without having to do as much.
From time to time, we all come across a girl that stands out to us for whatever reason and we like her more than the average girl. A primal instinct within us wants to treat her special, even though she has not actually done anything to prove her perceived extra high value to you. This is when the average man will heavily invest in the lady of interest. Up on the pedestal she goes. You assume or at least hope she’s a good girl and requires 3 romantic dates before sex can be thought about. But I guarantee you there is ALWAYS some guy out there who could sleep with her on date 1. She’s at a fancy dinner with you tonight but last Thursday she got drunk and hooked up with “Tinder Brad 3”. But of course she can’t ruin your good girl image of her by sleeping with you too soon. So you take her on multiple dates, spend hundreds of dollars on her, and she makes you earn her. Meanwhile the only thing buddy from Thursday had to do was swipe right and spend 20 bucks on two rounds of drinks to get his dick sucked from your special girl. Is that fair to you? Is that the place you want to be on the sexual totem pole? Don’t let that kind of injustice happen to you.
The most important reason to try and move towards sex on a first date is so you can find out what kind of girl she is. They are a shrinking minority, but there are girls out there who never have and never will bang on a first date. If you’re looking to be in a relationship, these are the girls you want to start with. To find out if she’s really a keeper, the only way is to try and get her in bed on the first date and hope she’ll say no to you. My interest in a girl skyrockets after I know I’ve run my best first date game and all I was able to get was a kiss. Pedestalization temptation will creep in and I’ll swat it away as if it were a pesky fly. I purge myself of all beta nice guy thoughts and fuzzy feelings and continue to be aloof and indifferent. This approach is the only way to start getting an idea of what kind of girl she really is. If she fucks you on the first date, then she fucks other guys on the first date. There are no exceptions here. I’ll occasionally hear a guy say “Who cares?” Which I would reply: Well, if you would like to one day date a girl seriously, you may want to avoid the ultra-promiscuous ones (a growing majority) to save yourself the trauma and heartache they would likely cause if you allowed yourself to develop feelings for them. If you’re fine knowing your girl will be fucking around and blowing random guys off Tinder a week after you break up, then hey more power to you, I guess. But for me, if I’m going to let my guard down with another girl again one day, I’ll have to know she’s uninterested in casual hookups with strangers. It’s just a better and easier way to live.
In the end, most if not all chivalrous and hopeless romantic first dates will not only be ineffective, they will be counter-productive and they will get you farther from where you want to be. As the interaction progresses, and you deem her to be dating material, you can then start to invest more in her and that’s when you can take her on nicer dates. Doesn’t it make more sense to give a woman your best once she’s earned it rather than on the first date when she’s essentially still a stranger? This isn’t to say that in the early stages, you should be disrespectful, mean-spirited, or unkind in your pursuits. I’m a kind-natured, fun-loving person and I don’t cast those qualities aside. I keep them but I also add in aloofness and indifference in my dealings with women. And I do my best to purge any longing and dependence on any one particular outcome. I’m going to have fun with or without the girl I desire. But I’m still going to try and go all the way on every first date.