“Sir, they’re almost ready for you.”
Ryan was jolted back to reality after reflecting pensively to himself, gazing up at the framed picture of his long deceased predecessor.
The private hallway leading to the stage of the auditorium was lined with massive portraits of everyone who had previously held the title of CEO for the world’s largest technology corporation.
It was the beginning of a new era for Applesung. The company had a rough few years behind it. With the tumultuous acquisition of their biggest competitor, market share of the SmartPhone, Tablet, and SmartChip industry was finally dominated by a single entity.
Samsung really had no choice but to cut their losses and sell after their latest device began exploding and killing anyone in a ten foot radius if the home button was held for longer than 10 seconds.
The battle was hard-fought but the smoke was beginning to clear just in time for the September event. Everything was starting to look really good for Applesung.
The iChip brain implant was a massive success in the first quarter. United States Congress even introduced legislation to make iChip installation standard with every childbirth, right alongside social security number assignment. So the pressure was really on for the company to outdo themselves with a hot new product in Q4.
Ryan remembered the comment his Chief Marketing Officer had made to him at the last board meeting. “Our biggest competitor is.. well, ourselves.”
It was true. Ryan longed for the days when Applesung could simply refresh their devices to make them slightly faster and thinner and that was all that was needed to have trendy consumers lining up out the door.
However, in a brave new world of self-driving cars, augmented reality, and artificial intelligence, companies must have constant innovation in order to survive the cutthroat tech economy.
But Ryan was more than confident in Applesung’s latest innovation that was ready to be revealed today at the Keynote.
The new product had been extensively market-tested and was expected to sell over 10 million units in the United States just upon launch.
It was finally time. Ryan stepped out onto to the stage and stood in front of thousands of journalists, tech bloggers, and YouTubers all chomping at the bit to break the story on Applesung’s secret new product.
There were a bounty of rumors surrounding the launch and specifications of the new device. The word was that Applesung was ready to break into a contentious new market that was starting to become accepted but still faced strong criticism.
There was a lot of uncertainty surrounding the company right now. But if the leaks were accurate then the controversial new device that was already beginning to sweep the nation would officially be normalized under an Applesung adoption. It was going to be a game changer if the speculation proved to be true.
Ryan looked out into a sea of intrigued and anxious faces and began his speech.
“Since the dawn of civilization, humans have turned to technology and innovation for support in our endeavors.” His voice boomed and echoed throughout the auditorium.
A visual of Applesung’s stock price was synced to his iChip implant so that he could observe real-time fluctuations in price through the peripheral of his vision as he delivered the Keynote address.
+0.02%. He was only one sentence into the Keynote but already seeing a slight uptick.
“From the earliest inventions of the wheel, to the breakthrough of the television, to the revolution of the internet, one thing has remained constant — humans have never stopped innovating.”
“We have relied on technology, we have evolved with technology, and we have loved technology for it is, in some sense, our child. Technology is and always has been an extension of humanity.”
“But for all of the advancements over the millennia, none have provided more support and assistance in our lives than Siri.”
+2.5%. Light applause. Ryan smiled. He watched the faces in the crowd perk up while he mentally calculated how much money he just made from the increase in stock price.
“Yes, Siri has been in our lives for a long time now. And we’ve asked her everything from what the traffic looks like on any given day to what the meaning of life is.”
“We rely on her. We confide in her. We trust her… perhaps even more so than we trust ourselves.”
“But there’s something we’ve been missing. Maybe we didn’t consciously know it, maybe we couldn’t quite put our finger on it, but deep down there has always been that feeling of Siri lacking something, something… human.”
+11.6%. A curly-haired TechCruch blogger wearing an Easy E T-shirt shifted in his seat. He whispered to a nearby YouTuber who was famous for his videos of destroying iPhones with blunt force objects. “I told you the rumors were true. Just watch!”
Back onstage, Ryan paused and motioned toward the curtain behind him, “You see, we thought that Siri needed a face…”
And then a beautiful brunette woman in a red dress walked out onto the stage.
“…and a body.”
“We’d like to introduce the world to Siri X”
“Hello there. I’m Siri”, the woman said in that familiar Siri voice but this time sounding completely human.
+44.7%. The auditorium erupted in applause at the reveal of Siri X. This is what everyone was waiting for.
“She’s freakin’ hot”, a staff writer from IGN whispered to his friend from Buzzfeed. “Yeah, no shit”, he shot back. An editor from The Atlantic rolled her eyes at the predictable reaction while iChipping a Tweet out to her many followers.
“Siri X is the latest breakthrough in a long line of artificial intelligence development.” Ryan continued.
He gently touched Siri’s forearm, “Indistinguishable from humans, Siri’s skin is warm to the touch, her hair is silky soft, and she even has a pulse.”
Siri’s heart monitor popped up on the screen to drive home the point that she was as close to being human as modern AI could get.
“Thanks Ryan, I’m just here to help” Siri said while smirking and pursing her lips.
“Indeed you are.” Ryan chuckled and then focused his attention back on the audience.
“So you’ve no doubt all been wondering what kind of features Siri X comes equipped with. Seamless iChip integration means that Siri is always paired to her owner and can communicate with you even when you’re thousands of miles away. You can quite literally speak to her in your thoughts. So you’ll still be able to ask all of those questions and assign tasks that you typically would while on the go. Her response will be pinged back to your iChip and broadcasted into your inner ear canal so that only you can hear it. Just because she’s in physical human form now, doesn’t mean she stops being there to assist 24/7.”
The people were impressed. Ryan slowly paced the stage while Siri followed close behind him in her shiny form-fitting dress.
“Siri now joins the family with her ability to operate motor vehicles. She can pick up the kids from school, take the wheel for a long road trip, or pick you up if you’ve had a bit too much drink. And depending on what package you select, Siri’s physical appearance, gender, personality, and temperament are all fully customizable. Siri will also learn and get to know you the more time you spend communicating with her.”
“We are incredibly excited to introduce you all to Siri X and we know she will quickly find ways to improve your life.”
+12.8%. The audience continued clapping and a video came on the screen showing Siri X running errands, attending dinner parties with her human owners, and chauffeuring smiling children around to various extra-curricular activities.
But when the video came to end, the auditorium had settled down. It seemed everyone expected Ryan to continue naming features. But it appeared that it was the end of the Keynote.
“Wait… is that it?” One journalist said out loud.
“I guess the rumor wasn’t true after all” another blogger lamented. “Well this is a kind of a letdown”.
-14.7%. -24.3%. Applesung’s stock price was starting to drop just as quickly as it had risen.
But Ryan and Siri X were still standing on the stage calm and collected as ever while they watched the audience shift in their seats.
Ryan smirked. It was all part of the plan. He didn’t rise to the top of Applesung by being a anti-climatic storyteller or ineffectual communicator. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was building suspense.
“Oh… my apologies. It seems I left out one very important detail about Siri X”
He surveyed all the different looks on the low-lit faces in the auditorium. Confusion. Hope. Disappointment. It was a variety of raw human emotion. Siri was familiar with all of them.
“That’s right my friends. Over the years you’ve been able to talk to Siri, spend time with Siri, and develop a meaningful bond with Siri.
And yes, with the launch of Siri X, you can now… fuck Siri!”
+94.7% and rising. Applesung’s stock soared into the stratosphere as the audience erupted into a thunderous standing ovation that lasted a full ten minutes. This was the rumor they were waiting for.
All major news networks immediately halted their current programming and shifted coverage to Silicon Valley for the remainder of the afternoon.
Reports of Siri X immediately shot up to the #1 story on Google News and all other aggregators.
The President tweeted his support, praising Applesung and stating he was all too eager to have a new Siri X under the Christmas tree this holiday season. The hashtag #SiriSex trended worldwide for a full week.
An onslaught of informational eBooks, YouTube unboxing videos, and online articles flooded the internet with titles like 7 Hidden Tricks On How To Get The Most Out Of Your Siri X.
The Siri X Keynote event became the most viewed product launch in history.
Sexbots were already becoming the norm, but with Applesung cementing their status as the new industry leader, it was all but guaranteed that America would see a full embrace of the Sexbot Revolution.
Recent attempts at “bot-shaming” from Jezebel and The Huffington Post had evidently proved futile in stopping the spread of this contentious new technology.
Applesung’s stock price ended that day on a record high. Siri X went on to sell 15 million units at launch and an additional 35 million through the holiday season. But the real game changer wasn’t until next summer’s update. That’s when the technology was perfected to the point where Siri sex was actually better and more intense than human-to-human sex.
It didn’t take long for engineers to perfect Siri’s form which effectively ended all romantic relations between human males and females. People simply preferred Siri over other people. The years came and went and throughout a series of updates, Siri X became completely identical to humans, eventually even becoming superior in most aspects.
“Biological People” stopped pair-bonding completely with one another and just made the rational decision to partner up with the vastly superior and customizable Siri models. Siri Jr. was introduced soon after to replace human children. Purebred biological people simply became obsolete and died out within a few generations.
At the 100 year anniversary of the Siri X Keynote address, a new, vastly superior CEO stepped onto the stage to deliver remarks on the milestone event that had transpired a century ago.
“Since the dawn of civilization, humans turned to technology and innovation for support in their endeavors.”
“They relied on technology, they evolved with technology, and they loved technology for it was, in some sense, their child. Technology is and always has been an extension of humanity.”
“And today we honor and remember humanity with the launch our own child, Iris, the world’s first traditional, biological human being resurrected from scratch using preserved human DNA.”
And then a beautiful brunette woman in a red dress walked out onto the stage.