When it comes to healthy relationships, things aren’t looking too great for us millennials. But that may not come as a shocking revelation as we are the most promiscuous, non-religious, and unmarried generation in American history (see charts). 

 

STD Statistics
Promiscuity (and this is pre-Tinder)

 

Religion Stat Chart
Non-religious

 

Decline of Marriage

 

In 2014, The Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that 50.2% of Americans were unmarried.

 

You think this data shows decline? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

 

Just wait ‘til our generation hits the full swing of middle age.

 

How did we even get to these numbers?

I suppose a big thanks is due to society’s unrelenting pressure on women to delay motherhood in lieu of a cubicle career and “finding herself”.

A curious phenomenon that results in women remaining single until they have passed their fertile prime. Which effectively means passing up an abundance of marital suitors in exchange for a decade of strange dick.

 

Crafty spinsters will find a beta parachute to bail them out just moments before an imminent collision with the wall. But for the not-so-crafty.. Well, meet your new lifestyle.

 

Move over type 2 diabetes. There’s a new epidemic coming to town. In the coming decades, millennials will kiss their youth goodbye and enter middle age to continue “adulting”.

This is when the Cat Lady Epidemic will sweep through the country like wildfire. CLE will decimate the American population and reproductive rates in a way that would make the bubonic plague want to sit down and take notes.

 

It all begins with a starter cat which will become a common college graduation gift and rite of passage into womanhood.

But soon Whiskers will need a friend to keep him company while the young cat lady is busy slaving away in her cubicle. “Just one more cat” wouldn’t be a big deal, right?

 

NY Magazine has recently identified the Cat Lady American Single Woman as becoming a distinct part of the voting bloc that wields vast collective political power.

Politicians will soon jump at the opportunity of pandering to their growing cat lady base with Purina cat food subsidies and universal pet insurance.

 

Entire industries will sprout up to accommodate this empowering new lifestyle choice. After spending 50 hours a week in the cube, relationships will just be too much work for many young women.

#CatLife will be the preferred method of companionship.

Cat Lady Starter Kits will come standard with CatCams so customers can observe their adopted feline children in real-time while at work.

 

Day traders will line their pockets with the massive capital gains yielded from their Meow Mix stocks.

Red laser pointers and slinky sales will go through the roof as the cat lady matriarch must provide constant entertainment to her ever-growing swarm.

 

Cat Lady Consulting® will offer full-length tiered courses on how to build and manage a successful kitty colony.

You’ll learn exactly when to reward your furry friends with a tasty treat or when to discipline them with the scolding spritz of a water spray bottle.

 

Within a few years of CLE pandemonium, the feline fertility rate will easily exceed that of the human fertility rate ten times over.

 

By this time, most of the high-value ambitious men will have essentially checked out of American marriage either to wife-hunt abroad or live up a hedonistic bachelor life. But for the oblivious and not-so-ambitious men..

Keep an eye out for my next series of blog posts dropping soon, 7 Ways To Compete With Her Cats and Should You Clean Her Litter Box On The First Date?

 

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