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Reader Nikki asks,
“I always seem to be attracted to men who are unavailable. On our dates, there is spark/chemistry, good communication and genuine fun. I do not sleep with them. They typically follow up with a sweet text or a tentative date, but in time, they always ghost. I genuinely believe that they enjoy my company; I’m not delusional, but they just aren’t interested in me for a long term relationship.
I have tried dating “nice guys,” but I don’t feel that there is chemistry. I will go out with a “nice guy” a few more times to help me reconsider what I could me missing.
Brock, I don’t need this type of chatter in my head. I want a man that is kind, that values me, whom I find attractive. It should be easy!
I have been on 21 first dates since May. What am I doing wrong? I try surrendering to God, but I’ve always been a proponent of luck is preparedness meets opportunity– and that’s why I keep pressing along.
Alpha Males don’t want me, and the Beta Males remind me of myself. They mirror me.
Any advice, from a male perspective, is much appreciated.”
I think everyone is somewhat attracted to what’s “unavailable”. It’s human nature to want what you can’t have so I wouldn’t get too hung up on that – just be cognizant of it.
If your goal is to eventually find a relationship, then it’s definitely a good idea to not have sex on the first date. So I think you’re on the right track there. That will only retain men who don’t get action very often. The guys who know a thing or two about dating will enjoy their night with you and move on. You want to be the kind of girl that has high standards and makes the guys earn her.
I’ll try to explain why it works that way.
When a girl has sex with me too soon, it triggers something in my mind along the lines of “Okay well this is fun but nothing more”.
Maybe it’s a defense mechanism to prevent me from falling in love with women who sleep around. A fact of life is that men who understand women and dating will lose interest in a girl if she’s too easy.
Fortunately it seems you have a good grasp on that. If you had slept with all your dates since May then you’d have 21 new sexual partners on your list with nothing to show for it. This would turn a lot of guys off and limit your options.
It’s important to remember how having sex can shift the power over to the man. Once you’ve had sex, he’s gotten what he wants. If he’s not emotionally invested in you before that happens then he’ll likely just move on.
Now that we’ve covered all that, my question for you is this: how much effort are you putting into following up for a 2nd date?
Now I know that no one expects the girl to make much effort in setting up a first date. That’s the man’s job.
But in my experience, girls usually put zero effort into meeting up for a 2nd time too.. even if they really like me.
They just sit back and wait for me to do everything.. and then get annoyed when I don’t make the time.
It’s not because I’m not interested in them. The reason I don’t always follow up with a girl for a 2nd date is because I’m busy as shit and I just forget and there are other girls that have my interest too.
You say that the alpha males don’t want you but it could be that they are just extremely busy pursuing their goals and they probably have other women in their lives at any given moment.
Now on the rare occasion that a girl does take the initiative and make an effort to plan a 2nd date, that’s usually all it takes for me to make it happen. I’ll think it’s sweet that she’s putting in a little extra effort. And even if there wasn’t a stellar connection on the first date, I almost always give it a 2nd try if she follows up about it.
It can be something as simple as her texting me “I’m still waiting on that 2nd date you know 😉 what’re you up to this weekend?” And then she’ll throw out some available times. It’s really that easy.
How proactive would you say you are in doing things like this? You didn’t mention how much effort you put into this part but I would start there and see how it goes. I promise it won’t make you seem desperate so long as you only follow up once or twice. If anything he’ll probably appreciate that the girl is the one taking the time to get him out on a date for once.