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I received an interesting email from a girl named Marie. Below is a screenshot and below that is the transcription.

 

 

 

You don’t know me but I feel like I know you. You are every guy who I slept with too soon and never heard from again. I recently quit Bumble after realizing I had an addiction. Like any gambling addict, I’d find a guy with promise, double down, sleep with him way too soon, and hope that our story wasn’t over the next morning. I’ve spent my time in Bumble recovery trying to find closure for my almost relationships. It’s lead me down a reddit rabbit hole of online dating stories and advice from veterans, which is how I found your site. Which I read a lot of today as I procrastinated from my own writing.

Reading your posts it became obvious to me how stupid I’ve been sleeping with these guys thinking in some crazy world that I was anything other than a conquest. It’s as if after sleeping together I’m thrown into a bin in their minds labeled “not girlfriend material.” And what’s really interesting is that it’s not because the sex wasn’t great. It’s because the sex happened too soon. I didn’t challenge them enough or make them feel like I was a trophy that required many dinners and dates to win over my vagina. I lowered my self-value by fucking them.
I’m stuck in this weird place where I feel like in order to find something real I have to pretend to be someone else. I have to hold out, I have to act like I haven’t slept with that many people, I have to be a different person. I have to be less open and more protective.  There is something about it that just feels dishonest. But at the same time, I don’t want to be stuck in the “not girlfriend material” bin forever. Do I have to erase my past to have a future?
PS
You are a really good writer. I really enjoy your stuff and I admire your willingness to be so open. It’s something I struggle with in my own writing.

My Response

It’s brave to stare the unpleasant truth right in the face and accept it like you have done. Most people would have come up with some rationalization that only serves to make them feel better. But I think it’s good that you are accepting the world for how it works.

Our environment is the main culprit. We are so heavily entrenched in hookup culture that most girls feel like they have to have sex right away to get any sort of attention from the men they’re interested in. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. If girls would just make men earn them, then they wouldn’t have to worry as much about guys ghosting on them.

I wouldn’t recommend that you “erase” your past. And the reason is that you can’t. You can only choose to be dishonest about it. But you can’t erase it.

I also wouldn’t recommend that you try to all-of-a-sudden make men wait for sex. If I found out that a girl made me wait months for sex but fucked a bunch of random Tinder strange before me, that would make me feel horrible and I would have to break up with her. It’s not fair to the man when girls do that.

My best recommendation for you is to find a good man and be a “selective slut” for him if the two of you are really connecting and you think he has a low likelihood of ghosting. Men who are open to a relationship. Genuinely make him feel like you only want to be his slut and no one else’s.

This next step is important. Once you’ve slept with him, don’t feel like you have to wait for him to make all of the moves. Having sex is when the power shifts to the man in many cases. You’ve given yourself to a man and hopefully, he is invested enough in you to want to see you again. This is the point where most girls make the mistake of continuing to passively sit back and wait for the man to make all the next moves. Instead of doing that, offer to do nice things for him. Offer to cook him dinner!

I’ve been out with a lot of girls. Do you know how many of them have followed up with me with an invitation to cook me dinner?

Zero.

Hell, it’s rare to get a follow up text at all. Usually, the girl is still playing the field after I’ve slept with her. But if she decided to stop playing the field and offered to do nice things for me, she would immediately set herself apart from all the other Bumble thots.

My last piece of advice is to delete the dating apps and focus on meeting guys the old fashioned way through pregames, dinner parties, and other social gatherings.

Hopefully this helps.

 


Additional Thoughts

It’s rare for somone to accept the cold reality of slutty behavior. They’re certainly incentivized at every corner to live the Sex In The City lifestyle.

It seems Marie has rejected comfortable lies and would rather accept the truth and do what she can to create a more meaningful life in the romance department.

It’s common for women to discover the reality of what extreme promiscuity means for them and then respond by immediately putting the blame on men, calling them words like fuckboy, sexist, or misogynist. “Men are trash” because they don’t want to commit to a girl who sleeps around a lot.

Is it fair that guys have more leeway to sleep around than girls do? No. Is it fair that girls get everything paid for when they often make just as much money as the man? No.

Dating is full of double standards. You can complain about how the world works or you can just learn how the world works and then use that knowledge to better navigate your environment.

Marie took a more impressive approach than just complaining or blaming others. So for that, I felt compelled to spend some time giving her my honest answer that I think will be her best shot.

 

What do you think of my response? What do you think about Marie? Is there hope?

Leave a comment below with your thoughts.

 

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  • GiveMeARaise

    Great answer B Rob, I like the cooking idea. SNL made coffee for me a few years ago and it still stands out, though in her case she never stopped seeing multiple guys.

    Four more things that would tell Marie a lot about where she got to where she is:
    1. Her parents’ relationship with each other
    2. The kinds of jobs that the men she picks tend to have
    3. The kinds of homes that the men she picks tend to come from – married parents / divorced / single-mom?
    4. Is there anyone cool in her pool of orbiters? If they’re still orbiting after all this time then the problem clearly isn’t that she’s worried about being judged.

  • Or you could say to her ” life ain’t fair ”.

  • Guy Gardner

    She should also know that her sexual behavior during her “party years” sets the baseline for her future husband. Men don’t really expect to marry virgins anymore but husbands need to know that they are getting their wives sexual best.